and the beat goes on..

i have been so busy that i forgot that i had a blog..

alot has happened in the past month. i fell in love with Jesus again, but then i nearly walked away.

thing after thing started to build up inside of me. little thing after little thing.. it built up so much that i felt no one would truly understand how i was feeling. i felt if i told anyone they'd think i was being an idiot and over reacting.

on sunday during worship. I sat there, trying hard not to cry. really really hard. i succeded. i sat there. praying to GOd. saying "Jesus, if i leave and walk away.. will you chase after me?" the whole purpose of me saying this to God was for me to see if God truly loved me and would chase after me.. if he cared at all that i was thinking of walking away.

i sat there. i started to cry a little harder. i was so scared that God was going to give up on me and say "ok. you can walk away" i was terrified of the thought that God was going to let me go. i started crying out of fear. i was so SAD. then i got this picture.

It was Jesus and i was holding his hands, i started to pull away and he wouldnt let go of my hands.. he started to beg me not to leave him. and in this picture i finally break free from his hands, at this point as i was sitting there i started to sob. i felt this pain ive never felt before. i was crying because i was doing something i didn't want to do. I sat there and i asked God to show me more in this picture.. i turned around with my back facing God and he fell to his knees.. I had hurt God... and i could not handle this... remember that im sobbing throughout this whole thing.. the picture kept going. Jesus fell to his knees.. He was devastated...


i sat there after my vision or whatever you want to call it ended.. i was crying SO Hard. my heart was so heavy and i felt so lost and scared.. i then relaized

..I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE..


i couldn't handle the fact that i had broken Jesus's heart. but this was a way i felt that God showed me how he loved me. if i decided to walk away then and there. jesus would be devastated. he would be SO sad.

this may not make sense to you. but it was a beautiful picture of God's love for me. it was different love i've ever felt.