so right now
..tobehonest..
i have noideawhat'swrongwithme.
i feel like as if im not really needed,
people ask me what my love language is, i respond by saying, spend time with me, be with me, hang out with me, make me feel appreicated.
lately, i haven't felt like this. and it hurts like hell.
im the person who calls people to hang out. if i didn't call anyone to hang out, i would have nothing to do on saturday.
why am i always the one that has to pursue a realtionship and friendship with people. im always the person that has to ask people to coffee. im always the person who asks them to hang out with me.
its rare that someone asks me to coffee, and actually does call me and ask me to go. instead of, "oh ya i'll call this week.."
no one calls..
i honestly feel invisible.
i want to be pursued. i want God to pursue me. i want him to WANT me. but im to ashamed of myself to even think that God would want me.. obviously he does, but i try. i try so hard.
can't i just feel loved every once in awhile. theres only ONE person who asked me how im doing in the past month. ONE.. wow... shows alot
i don't want anyone to pity me.
don't look down on me
don't judge me
just dont
be my friend
care about me
ask me to coffee,
make me feel like im wanted, at least once in my life.
im probably exaggerating, perhaps i am, but at the moment, i feel like i bug people and i should just shut up.
ifeelsoalone
someone told me that im the stereotype of being the "hardcore christian." and said that people like me need to go talk to people who have tattoos and live a different lifestyle because they've been through more crap than you have, they have stories to tell.
well hell, so do i.
yes i do acknowledge the crap they've been through, but don't you dare say that i haven't been through anything..
ive been through more than people know. more than most people can even comprehend.
so please. don't put me in that box. im not that hardcore christian you put that stereotype in your head..
i just want God.
im not a "hardcore christian."
don't label me.
..Ihavemyownstories..
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3 comments:
saarrrraaaaaaaaaa.....
somehow i think we need a coffee session!?!?!?!?
let me know when, love.
I so agree with you not wanting to be labled as a "hard core" christian! What the heck is that suppose to mean anyway? People can be so lame sometimes...and well....forget them!! While yes, it is good to persue relationships and plant seeds in people who don't know God...Loving god does not mean you have to "go talk to people with tattoos' Thats silly anyway. Who ever said you can't have tattoos and love god? Lets not lable them just as we don't want to be labled (not that you did but whoever told you that) ....anyway. I'm just agreeing with you. I can't believe the things people say sometimes!! And by the way...I'm sooo sorry you feel the way you feel. I totally totally went through that when I was in high school too. I always felt like I had to be the one to connect. I don't have very many free moments with out my kids, but I'd love to have you over to my place for coffee/tea one day!! Do you prefer weekends?
I know what it feels like to have to always organize everything and always be the one pursuing the friendships... Like you said if I want to do something it is always me that has to do the calling and hardly ever get called... Or also like you said I hardly ever have people ask me how I am doing or tlisten to my problems... Sometimes there are exceptions but usually it is that way.
The reason is that you are a leader. God has called you to be a Forerunner and to lead others into what God has for them... So now you are seeing a few of the "hard" parts of bing a leader... But even though it is hard sometimes I think it is totally worth it. And just from being around SIM I would say there are a lot of people who really love and care for you!
And as far as the whole "hardcore" thing goes... I would say you are hardcore, but I don't like Christian because it is sort of a "religious" term, I prefer believer... But I think the person who said that to you miss used the term. Just because you have a zeal and a passion for God as a teen that grew up in the church does not mean that you haven't had your fair share of hardships! And I can't think of a greater story then someone who actually chose not to fall into a decadent life style. It sounds like that person who said that could use a dose of God's love that you can share with them! Don't be to quick to act harshly towards them either... Don't let things like that bug you toooo much!
But when I think of you I wouldn't think, "Oh she is one of those 'hardcore Christians' types." I would say that the "Label" That fits you is a woman that is after the very heart of God. One who pursues God in what he is doing and where he is moving!
I would challenge you to ask God what his heart is for that person and where he is moving and what he is doing in them. Maybe you are already doing that I don't know... But remember that even if you are running after God but don't have love for others then it doesn't mean much. "As you do to the least of these my brothers, you do it unto me."
And don't take this wrong I think you are doing awesome! It is so exciting to me to watch God move in your life!!! Keep up the good work :D
Joseph Lewin
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